a toast to 2010...

Now that 2010 is coming to an end…I think I can finally take one long sigh….This has been one eventful year nevertheless, with all the drama it had in store for me it has also taught me some of the greatest lessons of my life.
I think the most important of these is organization. I have to admit I could have been quite a mess before. I never understood why everything had to be so organized or why things couldn’t be done at a much later time, was always at loggerheads with my sister who is a cleanliness freak. I thought that a little untidiness was natural but all that changed when I had my son. Of course I had no choice being a student and a mom means that I got to plan my time if am going to make it in both worlds. It is a challenge that I have gladly taken up and I think am doing pretty well. Now I can do stuff in the shortest time possible, I can multitask and I never do things at a much later time…
In life when everything seems to be moving in the right direction we are often so proud of ourselves and are so in love with ourselves but it is not until we are tried that this self pride is put to test. There was a time when anyone who had self esteem issues came up to me for advice and I was always so proud of myself but being a young mum kind of puts you in the not so right books of society. It also gives people a chance to judge you and say all sorts of things most of them hurtful. Having to go through all these nearly brought down my self esteem until I realized that if I continued to give people a chance to tell me who I am and whom I have become the only progress I would make in my life is age. So yes I have stopped listening to the bad stuff, I don’t let anyone tell me how to run my life. I believe my whole being cannot be judged by my mistakes so I hold up my head high, put my past behind and look ahead and yes motherhood is now a crown that I wear with pride.
In the midst of all these, I think the greatest lesson I have learnt this year is that of love. Never have I seen so much love from people. My mum, sister and brother gave me so much support and despite my mistakes still took me back and continue to love me immensely. My friends Vickie,Ngetha,Pashu,Christine,Faith,Juma;my roommates Hellen,Mitchelle,Grace…they all made this year so much easier, funnier and happier and I never felt alone and to the cook in the mess who always gave me an extra serving…he made the pregnancy hunger pangs less severe. But the greatest of all these was God’s love he always assured me that it was going to be okay and I worried much less even when people thought I should be depressed.
Just like Charles dickens wrote in his book a Tale of Two Cities… it was the best of times, it was the worst of times but with all its pain, lows and broken dreams 2010 was still a beautiful year to have lived through. Sweet adieu 2010; hallo 2011!!!

gone too soon

Lucy had been my neighbor for close to three years…for most of the time when we knew each other we were just casual friends exchanging hellos and how are you doings, a laugh here and there catching up on a rumor, a little gossip…just as neighbors would. That was until eleven months ago when we both realized we were going to be mothers. Until then, I hadn’t realized what a pleasant person she was. Pregnancy especially for a first timer can be a very trying time-you feel so many peculiar kinds of pains and emotions to the point where you don’t know what you feel anymore so it does help to talk to someone who understands.
Since we had something in common we started spending time together to ‘compare notes’. We would share our hopes, wishes, fears and even the challenges. If I went out and saw beautiful baby clothes ,I would come back and tell her and she would do the same .If the back aches became a little too much…she would recommend some sort of ‘therapy ’and I would do the same..if I learnt something new I would tell her…We would share our fears on childbirth, motherhood and talk about the myths and superstitions we had heard…and during the times when we felt we would give up we encouraged each other and there are those times we simply just had a good laugh and of course still caught up on some juicy neighborhood gossip. In the midst of all these, a friendship grew. One that was built on understanding and the comfort of knowing that you are not alone because there things in life that are best understood by those who have gone through it…It was a friendship that made the journey easier, shorter and more pleasant…….
Recently, I read an article in one of the local dailies in which the health minister said that maternal deaths should not occur at this day and age in Kenya. The article went on further to recount the story of two women; one who died during delivery in the hands of a drunken doctor and the other from complications arising from delivery. I did agree with her, sure in the 21st century with all the technology and expertise at our disposal, mothers should be accorded utmost care before, during and after delivery. After all why should they die while doing such a noble thing? When I read the article I did sympathize with the families and more so the infants left behind…but you know that so mistaken idea we always have that such things are so distant from us and that they cannot happen to us or anyone close? I thought so too until Tuesday morning when I got the call…Lucy had passed away.
Even as I write this, I still cannot believe that she is gone because no one is supposed to die this way. Just three weeks before she had given birth to twins; boy and a girl…she had died out of birth related complications. Sometimes I just sit down and remember all the hopes and dreams she had for her kids, the things she said, her excitement…, it’s hard to believe that she is gone, that she will not be able to share her life with her kids and that they can only be told stories of a mother they never got to know but one who loved them deeply and was only too happy to bring them into this world. When we talked about our babies I never thought this would happen…it never did cross my mind because there are times when all you think about is new life, hope and a future but not about the cruel hand of death… Now I know that being able to share my life with my son is not something I should take for granted. It is a blessing. Sometimes death takes from us wonderful people but life does also give us a chance to share our lives with people however short a time it might be. Rest in peace Lucy.

what's a man..

what's a man without a good shoe?
what's a man without authority?
what's a man without finances?
what's a man without an ego?
what's a man without a hearty appetite?
what's a man without standing his ground?
what's a man without his strength?
but even more...
what's a man without a good woman who makes him feel king of the world?

dangerously loving..

Am leaving…can’t take no more…can’t stay… not a minute longer!!
No babe you can’t leave…you just can’t..we gotta talk…,
Talk is all we ever do., this time I gotta walk…AWAY!!
Babe,…babe no..I love you, don’t go..,
Yes LOVE!! Love made me so blind couldn’t see I was the fool,
No hun u aint no fool, your love be my beautiful pool..,
Who is she..,WHO IS SHE?!C’mon babe tell me.. WHO IS SHE?
Her?..I don’t even know her...I mean she means nothing to me babe...you my love...you the only woman I love...wanna be with...I love you...
DON’T YOU TOUCH ME!!...not another lie…now you don’t know her, huh?
Babe I swear would never lie to you..,
No babe this time it’s OVER!..Am sorry this is the end…
No hun, can’t just walk out…we’ve been through so much...beautiful times...remember?
Don’t wanna remember nothing.. all I know is that u broke my heart….
C’mon babe don’t cry….I love you...believe me you the only one in my life…
Babe I love you so much but you keep hurting me…coz you know am so weak….
Come here my love…you aint weak..we are in love and that’s all that matters…
Promise me babe you always gonna love me..,always...
Promise .now wipe off those tears….come inside its cold outside…, I love you my queen...
I still love you my king.

ode to my mama

Let me take a minute...,
Let me take my pen and paper…,
Let me write…write an ode…,
Let me tell of this great woman..,
Let me sing her praise…,
Let me sing my hero.

Can I tell of her unending love…,
Can I tell of her struggle..,
Can I tell of her wisdom…,
Can I tell of her hearty laughter…,
Can I tell of her striking beauty…
Can I tell of my hero.

When the rain did not stop falling and gloom filled,
She brought the sun and the days joy filled,
When despair was all there was to see,
She sang songs of hope..,
When there was not enough,
She taught us to share.
She is she… my hero.

Mama...now is the time,
Let me sing you now,
Let me praise you now,
Let me write you now,
Let me tell the whole world now,
That you are my hero, .
Now when you can still read this mama.

I write because words can heal,
I write because words can feel,
I write because a soul they can fill,
I write because I can.

I write because words can speak,
I write because words brighten a heart so bleak,
I write because ............
I  write because I can.

I write because a tear they can wipe,
I write because words can hype,
I write because words are deep,
I write because I can.

prayer for Ryan...........

When I kneel down to pray for you my son,there are so many things I want to ask God for.I want you to grow up into a fine young man,I want you to be bright,responsible,principled....I want so many things my son...so many things...I want you to be number one,to be enviable,I want you to be the best....so when I kneel down to pray,sometimes am at a loss.............do I want a bright child but naughty?or an obedient but not so bright child?............I pray that all good may be found in you but even I know that no one is perfect....sometimes I think that responsible is what I should ask for but then again I have so many other things I want for you ....so many things my son...so many things..but when I kneel down to pray for you tonight,I will not ask for the sooo many things....I will ask that the Lord may do His will because I know He has your best interests at heart and I as your mom may direct you onto the right path so that when you're older,you may not leave it my son...

they neva told me...........

'aawwww!...sweet!...such a blessing...'I heard them say...it's gonna be fine,it's gonna be great...and so I believed them...them that had been through this before...them that were looking up to me...them that were my friends...and so I soldiered on with courage and a mighty heart and I walked proudly because I knew it would be fine,great,it would be okay.......but it never was!...they never told me there would be times I would want to run....they never told me there would be times my strength would fail me....they never told me friends would leave...they never told me the way he looks at me would change...they never spoke of these tears ,the pain,the helplessness...and they never told me of this loneliness that fills me and threatens to take away my happiness.profound loneliness...they just didn't...they never told me......,